It's bitchin.!

Taken from my phone

So at work, at the Food Bank, I swear we celebrate every holiday over again at least twice.  Today we were reminded of Valentine's Day when one of the wonderful warehouse guys brought in a few of the "excess candy donations" (for lack of better terms)...and my coworker put this (see photo) on my desk.  I read it, I thought "ha, funny" then I thought of Iggy Pop's song which is STILL stuck in my head, then I thought "hmmmm...." and on instant, I identified with it.

Now I've never been a dramatic person or out of control by any means, (maybe?)....whatever that translates to.  I am pretty weird according to many and I typically have no shame in most instances.  But since I graduated college in 2008, and even before when I dabbled in 3 totally unrelated majors, I have struggled with having no direction and limited expectations for self and world.  And now?  What about the present?  Same thing.  I just don't know what I want because frankly, direction has been totally boring!  To me, I am wild.  A grenade hurling through the air after the pin's been removed, or the free-floating bag from American Beauty's plastic bag scene.  It's like I let fate take the reigns completely.  But I cannot do that anymore.  It's getting me nowhere but frustrated and unsure of the path my life is taking.

So how to take hold of these reigns?  I recently made a list of my goals for May, and my long-term goals for the next few months.  Before bed, I look at it.  When I wake up, I look at it.  Not sure it's really helping, but I feel slightly more solidified, even if it is just a mental confirmation.  Perhaps that's all I need.

But in recognizing that I can justify just about anything, and see opposing arguments almost equally and simultaneously, I do sense that my boredom I've experienced in the past with "planning on having a focus" is probably such because the focus in mind at the time has not been the right fit.  And shit, I can't EVER make up my mind.

When I was in Joshua Tree back in 2009 visiting my brother, I met the owner of some funky incense-clouded, magnet-selling, peace-sign poster covered shop.  He told me, and I wrote it down and have kept it in my wallet since, the following:  "Don't get yourself fuckin' locked into anything.  Be a vagabond for 2 year.  It's bitchin!!"  Probably one of the best things I've ever heard and admired.  For once, my wayside ways felt validated.  And what he said--I've done that, precisely.  Maybe I never left SLO, but my heart's been a poncho-wearing wanderer, in and out of various jobs, sampling life one employment experience, one roommate, one house and day-to-day randomness at a time. 

I love that.  And I'm happy with it.  And I think I would be missing something had I never experienced this current state of unknowingness that I am in.  It will happen again, even after knowing--if that ever happens--what I may want to be some day when "I grow up!"  But for now, I'm trying to 'get myself fuckin' locked into' something and I would like direction.  Security.  An identity of sorts that is more concrete than the spritely free-flowing mist of an essence that I am.  But what that is...I haven't a clue.