To: Me, From: Me

Well it's been a while since I last updated!!!  Let me just say, I've been having a good time; a few frustrations here and there, no doubt, I'll touch on that another time.  However, I feel like I'm in the mood to "gift" myself, so ....... in a nut shell, I think I've just blown the roof off my little budget (kind of like the US Government?).  First of all, I splurged out of pee-my-pants excitement for the lineup of OutsideLands in San Fran in August, so I went ahead and purchased my 3-day festival pass for that.  Then, I went to Coachella which was kind of a mind-eraser.  I always loved music, experimenting with different genres and styles (favorite is anything with a unique and bumpin' beat, bass, and let's not forget talent).  Coachella though, lemme say....I have never felt so connected to vibrations in my life!  I was surfing music, catching soundwaves, and you know, I still think I've got my sea-legs on because my head still bobs to every beat I hear. 

That makes me happy.

You know what else I did for myself?  I bought a pair of nude colored stripper-esque shoes.  My roommate said, "You go from wearing flats and flip flops...to THESE?"  Oh yeah!  I enjoy variety, extremes, and opposites.  Check out these bad boys.  The lighting isn't too good, but you get the point.  I don't believe in violence or possession of weapons, necessarily, but I do believe in heels of mass destruction, on occasion!  They're Steve Maddens and yes, I can walk in them, but don't be surprised if you find them accompanied on me by a soft helmet, in case I eat shit.  Or, just keep handing me drinks because I always walk better in tall shoes when not conscious of myself ;)  I think my 5"3-and-some-change reaches to 5"9 in them and...on a non-boasting side note, my little legs look pretty effin' good.  They really make this hippy-ish chick feel like Barbie.  I can dig it.

Too much, too often, too little or too late do I live my life in haste from time to time.  I'm too slow when it comes to immediate answers or confirmation, and I can be too impatient when I want the answers now!  I slack-line my way through life, a tight-rope teeter totter and balance act of What do I do now? What's my next move?  I'm impossible when it comes to many things that require on-the-spot decision making.  I prefer weighing each side.  And that's my blessing and my burden: I can always see both sides of the same coin.  I might not agree with either side, or I might just agree with both.  But if I'm in the right mood....I can be so spontaneous and live in dime-dropping snap decisions for a short and charged moment in time.  (But that gets a little stressful!).

Whenever I want to hit the reset button, I go for a run.  There, between the creamsicle dream skyline and the blackened hillside cut-outs, I feel separated from distractions and connected to all that is greater than myself.  Then I feel whole again.  Calm, open-chested, ready for a challenge because I have finally unwound myself and let go of the trivia that clouds my very precious brain.  With my hip injury, I hadn't been able to run for several months.  It was sort of cool because I re-explored other forms of exercise: swimming, biking, yoga.....but nothing was comparable to that cathartic heart-beat thump-thump order of my feet slapping the pavement.  I have gotten back into running in the past 2 weeks, and it feels wonderful.  I am grateful every time I do it with less and less pain! 

The only reason why running has been suddenly more successful is because I discovered (again and again in so many forms of my life) that I need to slow down.  Slow down and listen to life's nuances.  Ice and stretch before, ice and stretch after!  Don't run 2 days in a row.  That's all it takes!  A month ago I randomly went for a run and neglected to ice and stretch afterwards.  I then had to resort to my vicodin.  Bad.

I suppose it's all about balance, but in a peaceful, ready and calm approach.  I am seeing that manifest in my life daily.  Hopefully for the better more and more.

gold vs. angel? material vs. spiritual and other-worldly? i really don't know.

Again, always dreaming of fish and water.  (Funny ironic sidenote, my iTunes is currently playing "Weird Fishes" by Radiohead).

My dream last night:

In a dimmed apartment on a rainy day, an old coworker of mine ran up to me, laughing and drunk. "Stephanie Stephanie my fish!  They're not in my tank anymore!" He was out of breath and rolling in laughter.  Being the animal lover that I am, I was more concerned if they were alive and okay, so I made it my mission to find the two missing fish.  I knew one was a goldfish, so on my hands and knees and quite tediously, I dug within cushions, under couches, everywhere.  Nothing to be found.  But beside the coffee table humbly laying on the carpet in all its smallness was a flicker of a flash of silvery blue.  Next, it rested in the palm of my hand, and I recognized it to be an angelfish.  I felt sad for it, concerned.  Like something precious and valuable had been lost, potentially forever.  But in a moment its gills flinched and mouth opened and closed and I knew it was coming back to life.  I dropped it into the tank, where it swam in circles and finally, came to a standstill to look at me.  I stared back in a calm and inquisitive communion.  Coming up behind it in some strange opaque orange mesh was the goldfish, which hadn't ever left the tank at all.  I was satisfied, but not completely at ease.   My coworker said to me, "Ah the fish - you found them! You know the goldfish is gonna get so big he'll outdo the angelfish!"  But I knew the angelfish would always capture me most.

I have yet to figure out what this might translate to...but...needless to say I'll probably be mulling over it all weekend!