Animal Ego!

I know that if I was an animal I would definitely be a bird.  Understatement.  Everybody knows that. 

Ok.

So my alternative animal ego is.......an octopus!  I totally realized that the other day and was like Ah Hah.  Pretty much up there in status with Lewis and Clark discoveries.  Columbus, even.........maybe not. 

A big decision is coming up very quickly in my life (AmeriCorps? Do it again? In SLO? San Diego? Stay... go? Stay go stay go I dunno?).  As one part of myself was telling the other part of myself basically to Chill the F out, dudette, this is when I realized this.  I'm an octopus because I'm always trying to get myself into too many things at once, whether they be activities or just ideas.  8 limbs = 8 ways to reach out, 8 things to do think touch see say at once.  I always want it all at once.  Pulled in 8 different directions and always getting nowhere.  Or creeping along a path slowly, barely.  One incongruity is the whole inking thing.  I dunno, I think I'm pretty non-dramatic about most things in life, but when confronted with a crux or a conflict, I do have my private--OK! and not-so-private (thank you all loving friends and family) Freak Out moments.  Sometimes I just think too much and get lost and stuck in the webbing I've created.  So I suppose maybe I do, in a way, "ink" my way out of a situation--get spooked and put up defenses and somehow slink away into the darkness.  But that's rare, and truly not for long.  Cuz anyone who knows me knows I gotta talk about whatever pressing issue is at hand.  And then generally within 24 hours I'm ok ;)

And hey, let's not forget how incredibly intelligent octopi are.  ((I am smart enough to open jars!))  So when put to good use, I can be very effective.  If only I could channel those energies more often than not!

just a sec

Too often in life, and no matter what age we are, we let our fears govern our actions.  I have recently reawakened to that ying-yang pull and pattern of victim vs. creator of one's own concerns.  And I'm really proud to say that as tempting as it is to allow myself to fall prey to worry, failure, judgment, I think I've been doing well in keeping my head above water during the unpredictable times of now.  Ironically, I've been having reoccurring dreams of myself floating on top of daunting murky rapids, or violently thrashing under crystal oceans.  Regardless, I'm surviving.  Whenever I'm under water I realize that I can breathe, and then it's really not so scary.  Discovering breath, discovering voice, rediscovering that I am capable. 

Hey...I have power!

And you know?  For a flutter inside a second...in the lightening-like shutter speed of a blinking lens, I am fearless.  Carefree.  Owner of who I am.  In just a moment!  That's all it takes.

OkBYE

I'm too tired to even think.  Last week I caught a head cold (sick again? WTF. NOT okay) and got 4 hours of sleep in well over a 48 hour time-span due to not being able to breathe.  And that was with double doses of Nyquil, chugging straight out of the bottle, no shame.  Not gonna lie, kind of proud of lil' old me that I made it without waking up to myself overturned in a ditch on the 101.  I can't believe I even functioned.  But maybe that's it.  Functioning.  It's been kinda funky lately!  Life has felt like I'm walking forward with my head turned upside down (maybe repercussions of so much Nyquil?).  Ever feel like a time of your life has a theme to it?  Well I definitely know what the bold word in this chapter is: communication.  There is no effective functioning in life without it!  I swear, I may be the biggest advocate of great communication skills but for whatever reason, I keep hitting walls.  Walls existing only due to the lack thereof (of communicating well).  At work, with my family, my friends, with the kid I tutor, with myself.  It's getting really old.  The only way to amend that is by prioritizing.  What's important and what isn't. (So like....having a beer or two? JK).  I'm so not in the mood to do all that dirty work but it really is the only way.  And I'm gonna do it, I know that, but for now, and for no apparent reason, this is all I can think of and say: Ugh.
OkBYE.