Multiple Valentines

My dad has told me on numerous occasions that if I am to be successful, I must marry a rich man, and soon.  Of course I don't believe that, of course I find it rather insulting, and of course I know that the differences in our generations are greatly expressed in his concern for my welfare.  And on the eve of Valentine's Day (as I stuff my face with chocolates, ignoring the fact that I've had a sore throat all day), I just wonder about my future in love.  Who will I end up with?  Have I met them yet?  When?  And will I end up with anyone?  Is it even just that simple?  Honestly, I don't really think so.  I don't believe in "The One" because we are humans; minds are ever-changing, circumstances alter us, affect us all in different ways, we react and create and shift with time.    It takes a lot of effort and willingness to roll with the punches and still maintain a healthy romance, and it is possible, obviously!  But I think there is someone for each of us at different times in our lives.  We may be suitable for several.  So how do you know?

I have encountered many females in my lifetime who whisk on that extra coat of mascara before leaving the house just "in case" they run into their Future Husband in public.  Gotta look good!  Or they just can't stay home because What if?  What if "He's" out there, somewhere tonight?  I really appreciate this mode of thinking, of preparing and excitement for the potential dream man.  It makes me smile and think of my favorite Jane Austen novels.  I just can't be bothered by thinking like that, at least all the time.  It's stressful!... and the over-analyzing (i.e. Could this guy I met last night be IT?) only sabotages the organic beauty that comes with the naturally flowing present. 

Basically, I don't think we have any control over when we meet someone who is right for us at any given moment.  It will happen when it is meant to happen.  It may fade if it is meant to fade.  I am comfortable being single and I have faith that there may be some guys for me in the future, but it isn't really up to me.  At least that's one thing I don't stress over in my life ;)

a thought....

She doesn't even sound like my sister.  Slurry speech, muffled marble-mouth pauses on elongated silence!  It just isn't her.  I want to hang up because I can't take it.  The decoding.  What'd you say, I can't understand?  The frustration I feel for her.  What is this cancer doing?  Redefining who she is to the world, to herself...to me?  I can't understand - but she's saying something.  Right?  She must have a point.  There must be a point to all this muddiness, this madness.  Cancer is ugly.  But not my sister.

my shakespearean dilemma

To go out?  Or not to go out?  .....that is the question....that is ALWAYS the question.  I'm so tired of never being able to make up my mind!  I suppose it's a fortunate problem: the option to rest in a quiet home with my cozy bird on my shoulder, or mingle with various groups of awesome friends and acquaintances.  Lately I've been lamer than lame.....L-7 Weenie status.  To the max.  Seriously.  Have I been enjoying it?  Yes and no....not to the greatest potential, at least.  Anxiety, my unwanted guest, who drops in with surprise visits doesn't seem to be any less-frequent either, but I do enjoy the down-time.  And with creeping guilt resides the thought that I should be living my life to its fullest at all times.  Half the time I know what I want to do, you know, bust out my party pants and dance (and possibly but certainly not always) drink the night into oblivion.  Then regret it in the morning with a secret smile and repeat performance.  Otherwise it's Grandma Stephanie ready to darn you a pair of woolly socks, Ovaltine in hand.  When I can't decide I typically leave my decision up to the passing of Time to sabotage any realistic opportunity of being social.  So then it's just too late, I'm just too tired, and I just can't go out anymore because I've waited so long to NOT figure it out that I'm already asleep and everyone's done for the night anyway.

Man, I really need to stop doing that!!!

Driver's ed / daily life's ed.

Sometimes I fixate on a memory, and when I finally come to realize I've been replaying this memory over and over again, I question its purpose.  Naturally, right?  The image I have on repeat is me, age 16, with my Aunt Dorothy in San Diego in a parking lot.  She hands me her keys, and without any confidence I take them.  Wide-eyed in my Abercrombie sweat pants, I sit in the driver's seat for the first time ever.  "Remember, you are in control of one ton of moving vehicle!" she didn't so much warn me as cautiously inform me.  "Check your rear view mirror."  Only at the end of the choppy, totally un-smooth circuitous parking lot driving, I realized I had been looking in the mirror on the flip side of the sun visor instead!!!  (Maybe it's the blonde hair, I dunno?).  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve replayed this on the silver screen of my brain. 

The significance of this snippet lies in my realization and belief of the following: that stepping out into the world each day feels a lot like driving for the first time.   Maybe that’s a little extreme, but think of it this way: I know my routine, but in a world that feels so happily familiar to me—much like a car to a passenger—I'm constantly challenged by the unfamiliar.   That’s life in general, really.   I have very positive challenges being a part of AmeriCorps, since I volunteer my tiny hiney off doing amazingly fun and communal activities I never thought I would do!!!  I have a neutral challenge at work at the Food Bank, and that would be overcoming my periodic boredom and finding how to constructively fill that time.  Then there’s that constant difficulty that has existed with me for several years.  Mostly the struggle is muted, and other times I am blown away by the force of the void.  In a nut shell, I describe today’s highlighted challenge as the pairing of intense anxiety with the complete and enjoyable thrill of my freedom living totally apart from my family with a foggy future in the distance.  Phone calls can’t make up for seeing someone in person, I’ve learned that.  I may have been living with my parents if they were still in LA, that’s for sure.  But since they’re in New Jersey, there’s just no way.  Not at all.  It’s a great place with great people, and so NOT for the Me of the present.  Being a person whose happiness is infinitely linked to my mindset, which consequently is less exclusively (but still intensely) linked to my location/lifestyle….well it’s just a no brainer for me to stay in CA or similar.  But that means I have to deal with the emptiness that I experience from time to time.  The echo of something that was there, and still is, but is so far away and often superficial.  The feeling of abandonment, the feeling of having disappointed, deflating their expectations of me to follow.  The pain that comes with knowing that all I want is a hug from a loved one today.

It is all my choice, every day, and all over again.

And no matter how much pain, my gut keeps telling me I'm driving in the right direction.

#1

How cute: my first blog....!  Inspired by none other than the introspective educator to many, occasionally extroverted wild-child, sisterly friend of mine, Miss Maddie.  I am a true believer in the power of suggestion, especially considering she only mentioned that I start a blog just several hours ago, and here I am. Perhaps it's time to move onto something that implies a little more substance and artistry than Facebook!  After all, I've been thinking since my 9-month stay in the womb, over-analyzing since I knew I could think, and journaling since age 7.  Blogging is only the next step.